It seems that from my earliest recollections until this present moment, I have always been waiting. First to start kindergarten, then to turn ten (double digits!), then to start high school, then to graduate high school, then to head off to college, then for my mission trips to Mexico and now Nicaragua. Always periods of anticipation. Always looking towards the future to something greater.
Always waiting.I honestly can't remember a time when I haven't been waiting for something. I seem to always define my present by my future. I define my life in college by the future of a career that I will hopefully be passionate. I define my personal and spiritual maturity by my future husband and marriage in mind. Yes, I am always waiting for these new seasons..."better" seasons.
Yes, its true that my mind waits for these tangible things, but what does my soul wait for?
My soul waits in anticipation for the fullness of God, my heart's truest desire. As a Christian, my earthly existence is defined by the eternal. My salvation, my relationship with Jesus Christ points toward heaven. I'm supposed to be focused on greater things.
Let me tell you, this isn't easy. In the darkest recesses of the night, when the street lamps are the city's only illumination and my bed is creaky and my stomach is uneasy, waiting is the last thing I want. I cry out God for now, not for later, not for the eternal, for now. I want to feel His spirit touch my heart. I am human; I want immediacy. In my pain, I want His perfect, eternal fire in my heart to make me bold
.
Yes, in the early hours of the morning, my soul waits.
My soul waits to see the wonders of Creation and culture.
My soul waits for the lowercase him, my future husband.
My soul waits for my life's work after graduation.
My soul waits for my purpose.
My soul waits for the morning.
My soul waits for Him.
As I look back on all those years of "waiting" I realize that I spent a lot of energy looking ahead and not living fully living. I lost much of the fullness of the moment. Life does not begin for sure when we meet that significant other. If that was the case my life one of the gun at age 46 when I married my husband. Looking back I would embrace the fullness of living each day rather then hoping and waiting for my life to begin
ReplyDelete