On Feeling Empty

From the time I was a little girl, I’ve been independent. I wanted to dress myself, feed myself, and go places myself…I had a mind of my own, and I was bound and determined to use it. I still pride myself, to this day, on my “ability” to not need people.

But I’m human. I’m human, and I’m weak and imperfect. Doing theatre and drama throughout my life has made me pretty good, more or less, at putting on a strong, resilient face, telling people that everything is fine, and that I’m perfectly contented with it all—my past, my present, and my prospective future. But not everything for me, at least not all the time, is “just fine”, as I like to bubble out on my social media platforms; to inquiring friends and family. I have a confession to make.

I’m feel lonely.

There are times when I feel so hollow, it’s like you could tip me over, and attempt to spill the contents of my soul on the floor, and there would be nothing there. I read the Bible, and I pray, and sometimes I feel so far away from God, that it’s as if I could reach out as far as I could, stretch my arm beyond our galaxy, and it would never be enough.

Sometimes, everything I do feels lukewarm…my schoolwork, my work with the debate team, my relationships with family and friends, my job, and my spiritual life—all void of meaning and purpose and fervor. Where there was once an orange flame burning passionately, there is emptiness. Blackness. Stillness. I feel it hardest at night, when the silence reminds me of my own loneliness.

I don’t think God isn’t there for me. I believe with every fiber and bone in my body that he is; I know it. But sometimes, that hollow feeling weasels its way in, and I can be laughing with my friends or watching the beauty of the Oregonian autumn or reveling in the truth of God’s word, and I’m reminded that the future is cloudy, and that I have little to look forward to.

The past two or so weeks have been pretty difficult for me, as you can tell. If you are so inclined, keep for in your prayers, that God can help me lift myself out of this “funk” and bless me with positivity, purpose, and peace.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6

Sayonara,

Zoe